Talisman

I don't even know if anyone even reads this anymore, but I just want to rant for awhile I guess.

I've been feeling under the rocks lately, and its not really due to like my friends or anything.. I've just been feeling sad for almost utterly no reason at all.

Today is the day my mind officially shuts down, I don't know how to put this in words, but I lost all feeling I guess. I mean, I still smile and all, but I can't seem to experience any actual form of happiness?

I love studying. I loved it since coming to poly, but lately I abhor the thought of trying my hardest, to strive and do the best I can. I hate trying, only to know that the higher ups expect something better from you, or you losing friends because of it.. I hate the fact that no matter how hard I try, I just can't seem to be better. I can't make friends, nor can I make anyone just like me for what I'm good at. I feel fucking used, and the funny thing is, I let myself be used. I cursed and swore at everything on my birthday, I cursed and swore at myself mostly, for dropping my laptop on my birthday and killing my own mood..

Not only that, today, rumours has been spreading around about my favourite idol dating someone. I mean, hey, its okay I guess, I'm happy about it, but I don't know why my heart is hurting so much because of this. Am I too obsessed? I might be. I guess I am, but I can't help it. Those idols pulled me out of the dark pit every single time I fall into it.

Giving up on them, is it a wise choice? Will I fall into depression and there will be nobody there to rescue my sanity? Prolly not. Who wants to anyways..


I can't even begin to fathom how my life has just spun out of control while its still within my grasp. I don't have the courage to even speak up about this to anyone because, what's the point right..

Anyways, I'm done with my rant. Whoever you guys are, thanks for hearing me out. I feel slightly at ease now. Thank you.