Karma?

 Wow, I truthfully never thought I would be posting back in this blog. But.. I realised I don't really have anywhere to pen my thoughts without a slew of people questioning me. So, back to this page I go LOL. 

Well, how has life been? It's shit rn tbh. TLDR, I got cheated on, decided to give the dude a second chance, got basically fucked over cuz he still chose the girl he cheated on me with. Yep. Humour has been a great way of coping but not this time. Cuz I've been doing a lot of self-reflections and questioning a lot of things. The more I use humour to cope the more I crash and relapse wtf. 

Well, to start off, I wasn't given proper closure I guess? I never really knew the reason for why I was fucked over this badly. I've always thought if I just give and continue to give without expecting anything except the bare minimum, then idk my feelings would be reciprocated? But I guess it got too suffocating. Idk. I'm either really overthinking hard rn or I've really gone and done this to myself the past 2 years oof. 

I'm not exactly sure why I took this breakup so fucking hard till I was reading Dangerous Convenience Store and this panel came up.

It hit like a shit ton of bricks. But then I got to thinking, was it really regret? Or was it more of my pride/dignity that got bruised because I wasn't the one ultimately chosen? Idk. It feels like a mixture of both. 2 years, of being hidden, treated like the last priority, accepting the insults thrown at me silently by both his company and the girl and choosing not to fight back. Accepting the lies without question, and always putting him first before anyone else. Waiting for that shitass approval from his boss/company and just ultimately waiting for that miracle to happen. 

All because I alone wanted it to work, not him. But it just stabbed me in the ass cuz reality hit that I was just an option. I was just something to tide him over till he could go for someone else. 

Did it hurt? Yeah it obviously did. I was just too blinded by everything else to see it I guess. God dammit it still hurts. I'm just using sheer willpower to not acknowledge its existence. 

People say healing takes time. Yeah it really does. It sucks that everyone is already expecting me to move on and be fine with it. Friends have been telling me its already been 'so long' and that I shouldn't even think about it anymore. Yeah, I guess it makes sense. I shouldn't. But what do you do when it comes back in waves every now and then?

Well.. I've.. subconsciously decided. Prolly cuz when the dude mentioned the breakup, he actually said and I quote "I'm not even sure if we were even together the past 2 years, I was never fair to you." ouch. cuts deep. pain 10/10 do not recommend. 

Anyways, yeah, I've subconsciously decided and accepted that, we were just never together in the first place and it was my own misunderstanding. I misunderstood that we were dating exclusively and that we were even together at all. It was really just a friends with benefits kinda thing I guess? So, my fault for thinking otherwise and putting in so much effort for a friend that was so replaceable. 

I've also gotten a lot of questions from friends as to why I refuse to expose this person. Why I'm willing to let him live his life and move on as if nothing has happened. Its a stupid excuse yes, but hear me out alright. I.. know he wants his parents to retire and live comfortably without thinking of expenses. So, in order to not jeopardise his career, I've decided to just forget about it, just so he can finally ensure his parents can retire comfortably without worries. 

Stupid reason? Yes. It most prolly is. But I don't want to damage someone's reputation and livelihood even if they damaged my mental health and physical state. I refuse to, I'm shitass too nice of a person to do that. The guilt will eat me alive. I've always wondered when and how will karma work, but the more I wonder, the more I relapse. So I just decided not to. I can let my brain wander and shit, but ultimately, I have moved on from most of it. 

It was a shitty first relationship. But at least I've learnt my lesson. And uh.. I'm too traumatised to get into another one for now. So fuck that.